Anger is temporary madness. We all go mad. If you’re mad, press one for customer service. Speak or enter your account number. Press one to confirm your account number. Press two to confirm that you pressed one. Press three to confirm that you pressed two. Please speak your ten-digit telephone number one digit at a time. I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Press three to listen to a pleasant, automatic computer voice list the possible outcomes of every decision you never made. Press one to confirm you would like to hear this. Are you sure? Press one if you’re really sure. Just checking. Maybe press one, one more time. Welcome to the anger management customer service hotline. What would you like to be angry about today? Press five for more options. Don’t you find it odd that Anne Sexton basically gets a pass for molesting her children? Press seven if you think this is odd. Perhaps it’s because she killed herself and there’s no one left to punish. Her Poetry Foundation biography refuses to even mention it. Ted Hughes is dead, and we still punish him for losing two wives to suicide. Woody Allen is alive. That one’s easier. Let’s punish him for being a creep. Please say the last four digits of your social security number to punish Woody Allen for being a creep. I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Please say the last four digits of your social security number to punish Woody Allen for being a creep. I’m sorry I’m having so much trouble. Let’s get you over to someone who can help you. Please hold.
Craig Finlay is a poet and librarian currently in the middle-leg of an extended tour of the Midwest. His debut collection of poems, The Very Small Mammoths of Wrangel Island, was recently published by Urban Farmhouse Press.